Xanthe's Sanctuary

Tell Me a Story of Things to Come

2009-05-28T20:04:00.002-04:00

I have spent a lifetime focused on the past, trying to make sense of everything that has happened to me.

"If it didn't mean anything, then what is it all for?" I would continually ask myself.

I was so afraid of letting go, for fear that I would be worthless.

But I am no longer afraid of anything.

And I know my worth is not defined by what I have or have not experienced in this life. I am not an object, but a Being. Life is simply to be felt, each moment arising anew.

I am no longer interested in telling the story of my past, for I do not wish to experience that again. I have already done that.

I am writing the story of that which I am creating, yet to be experienced, moment by moment as it all unfolds.

Thank God I am free to create anew.
Thank you for the blank canvas of this moment.
Thank you that All is Well and that I Am Well.
Thank you for the Joy of this moment and fresh beginnings.

Infinite Love and Gratitude In All Ways!

Amen

The Path to Peace

2009-05-24T23:46:00.003-04:00

I have struggled these past few years with the vastness of my solitude, desiring desperately to find some modicum of peace and yet fearful of retribution for my perceived self-indulgence.

Now I know beyond words the TRUTH, which is this:

THERE IS NOTHING TO DO BUT CULTIVATE PEACE

and

THAT THE ONLY WAY TO CULTIVATE PEACE IS TO DO IT WITHIN MY OWN BODY, USING MY BREATH.

Inhale.

Exhale.

God is here, right now, taking care of EVERYTHING.

I am at peace.

I am safe.

All is well.

Everything is unfolding perfectly, according to plan, for all that was and is to come, is in fact happening RIGHT NOW.

There is nothing I have to do.

Praise God!!!

Amen.

Reflection on Relationships

2009-01-05T19:51:00.007-05:00

Recently I've become aware of an unhealthy relationship pattern. What I mean by that is that several people who have absolutely no knowledge of each other are all exhibiting the same behaviour in my relationships to them.

One such person has exited my life recently, and even though I am perfectly aware that the relationship was not healthy and that this probably is a gift to me, I find myself really missing this person.

So I have these moments where I notice the grief I feel and I'll stop and say, "What's wrong with you Xanthe?! Are you a complete masochist or what?!"

Yet it keeps coming back - that longing for the lost relationship.

The more it comes up, the more it bothers me. So I explore it a little more, go a little deeper.

"What's underneath this longing?" I ask myself, a lot more compassionately. "What feeling was in the dynamic of this relationship that I am clinging to?" This at least acknowledges the fact that relationships are complicated and multi-faceted. Just because part of it was negative does not mean it was completely rotten.

I turn this over and over and over.

Then a new person enters my life. For awhile, I sense that something is not right with this person, but I can't put my finger on what it is. As time passes, I get more and more agitated over behaviours that I exhibit that are contrary to my thoughts and feelings. I watch myself repeat this over and over, getting more agitated and more judgemental with myself each time.

"What is wrong with you?!" I say to myself.

Suddenly one day, there is an incident in which I catch myself acting out a new healthier behaviour, consistent with my thoughts and feelings, when just as suddenly - SLAM! Something snaps and the other person is coming at me like a Pitbull.

Intellectually I understand that this is a reflection of their discomfort. I have changed the dynamic of the relationship and they don't know what to do. But still I feel terrified, guilty, and question myself. I hate confrontation. I hate this. I caused this. I should be more compassionate and forgiving of this person. After all, people act out when they're scared - and that deserves compassion, right?

But what about me? Do I have to take it on the chin, just because this person is scared and is maybe not consciously aware of it?

The penny drops. "No way!!!!!!" I think.

I take a deep breath, pause, and ask myself, "Okay, what would a healthy relationship look like?"

I visualize this:

When this person finishes spewing at me, I calmly look at them and say, "You know what? I don't mind if you tell me how you feel. I don't mind if you tell me what you need. I don't mind if you share with me what you want. If something I do bothers you and you need to do something to decompress like taking a walk, I won't be offended. But you may never ever tell me what to do."

So then I think that perhaps rather than writing it off until the next incident happens, I should try going back to the preceding incident and share my new insight with this person while it's all still fresh and relevant. This way, I won't build up resentment and blow up later.

I go back and gently let this person know how I feel, what I need, and thanking them for their patience and understanding. As I am delivering, I think, "This is great! Okay, this should help to clear the air."

But I am met with more wrath. I feel devastated, enraged, victimized.

I fume, thinking, "Okay, what do I have get that I'm not getting so that I can move on from this kind of relationship?"

I sit, feeling trapped, desperate to do something about this.

I know that if I act in haste, then things will go awry again. I may be met with worse than the last time.

So I let all of the discomfort be there.

I continue to go through the motions of my life, letting it all be in the background.

And finally a feeling rises me from the deep peaceful place in my centre, and the words enter my conscious mind:

"No one on the outside treats me how I do not treat myself on the inside."

And I pray,

God, show me the places inside myself where I judge myself, where I criticize myself, where I belittle myself, where I expect myself to have everything figured out, where I am intolerant of my own human imperfection.

Take me in your arms so that I may feel the energy of healing and compassion that I cannot feel on my own.

God heal my relationship with myself, that I may feel completely worthy and deserving of every good thing that you have in store for me.

Amen.

Xanthe - 5 January 2009

Letting Go

2008-12-30T16:54:00.004-05:00

There's so much swirling around inside me - mostly images and feelings of things past.

What comes with them is a sense of nostalgia and a deep longing that's hard to sort out. It's like homesickness - a longing to go back and recreate the feeling that I had in those moments and places with those people.

What's really interesting about it is that it's not one thing. It's not a single place or a single moment or a specific person. It's a whole flood of them. It's like a rain storm in my body/mind.

It's sensory overload.

And I can't stop it.

Even as I go through my day performing tasks, it plays inside me like background music in the supermarket.

But it still touches me. It's discomfort is like an itch that I can't scratch or an insect that keeps coming around no matter what I do to make my annoyance felt.

Then I realize the insight that I had on Sunday, and my little intuitive voice says, "Stand in the centre of the storm, Xanthe."

So I stop and looked at it very matter-of-factly. In the stillness I suddenly realize that my body/mind is releasing the past.

And the only thing I can do is just let go and let the images and feelings wash over me.

I cannot stop them coming. I cannot stop them passing.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot go back. I cannot recreate the past.

It's all gone.

Even the people and the places that still exist in physicality are gone, for they have been changed by time and circumstances.

I cannot go back.

A lump wells up in my throat.

The grief comes at me like a tidal wave.

And I pray,

God, let the waves wash me clean.
And when the storm is over,
let me feel the love that's the only remnant left in its wake.
Then I will sing and dance and laugh in the sun.

Thank you for all of the beautiful people
and wonderful moments
that have painted a rainbow in a dark and troubled past God.
Thank you for everything.

May all of those who have blessed me in this life
always know that they are not forgotten.
May they feel the love and peace
that surrounds them always.

Amen.

Xanthe - 30 December 2008

Draw Me

2008-12-28T23:42:00.010-05:00

Many teachers and methods have come to me in this life.

In recent years my learning has been conscious and deliberate. In my desperate search for peace, I have sought out so many teachers, methods and settings.

They all have the same message. It just comes with different words and imagery. Even in my deliberate searching, it took me awhile to understand this - that it was really all of the same thing.

Looking back, it's so obvious to me that I feel dumb, but then I remember that we can look at something for a long time before we truly see it. It takes awhile for the energy vibration to be internalized. It can't happen until my own vibration is equal to that which I am trying to internalize.

For a long time now, I have understood that the peace of God is within me.

Many teachers have taught me the tenets of meditation. They have taught me in so many ways how to accept all of the clamouring in my mind/body without getting hooked into it. They have taught me how important it is not to resist the clamouring, because resistance is in fact getting caught in it.

I understand this conceptually, but to put it into practice is not easy. It is a very fine line between resistance or pushing through a feeling and moving in peace while the fear rages inside.

I think the first can be akin to swimming upstream against a strong current, while the other is like standing perfectly still right in the eye of a hurricane perfectly still while the storm rages all around me.

Today I finally experienced this for more than a nanosecond. In fact, I walked through most of my day in the eye of the storm that rages every day inside this mind/body. I moved about through the world with a sense of total peace and lightness while watching my mind do its usual crazy antics.

Then I realized something really important. There are so many auditory thoughts clamouring inside me that I think that I expect that the stillness will also come to me as some kind of auditory message; that I will have some kind of a feeling that will automatically have some of thought to explain what it means so that I will understand in real life terms what to do next.

In fact what I experienced today that trying to interpret the spirit's energy with language is just clumsy. It just feels like more noise to me.

Instead, I just let the pure energy itself pull me along in its current. I finally was able to just move my body without an accompanying thought. It felt right.

Perhaps it's awkward to think of the Voice of God as I always have.

Maybe there is no voice at all.

I think it's more like what St. Therese of Lisieux said when she prayed to Jesus, "Draw me Lord Jesus, draw me."

They Come to Me

2008-11-15T01:42:00.000-05:00

They come to me
in the still of the night.

When the world sleeps
and dark descends,
they come.

They come,
whispering words of love.

They tell me,
"Fear not little one.
We are here keeping watch."

"We're on this journey
right alongside you."

"Though your eyes cannot see us,
We are as real as flesh and bone."

"We wield the power of heaven,
to shield, protect and carry our
earthly angels."

"We carry them through all manner of strife,
from the first breath to the last."

"For that is what you are, my child.
Did you remember or had you forgotten?"

"You are heaven's jewel,
shining brightly upon the earth for all to see."

"You mission is heaven blessed;
it cannot fail."

"Though you choose the path it takes,
they all will lead you home."

And though you weather many storms,
the mark you leave is great."

"It may not be seen by the eye,
but is felt by the hearts of many."

"It shatters the barriers of time and space,
and is felt through all eternity."

"For it is love,
because you are love."

"And that is all there is,
my dear angel child."

"So rest now this human frame,
until the light of day dawns again."

"And when it appears,
rise with joy."

"Go forth and tell the world
of heaven's power on earth."

"Tell all your fellow angels
they must wake now."

"For God wants you all
to be happy."

"Far too long have you all lived
in the misery of your ignorance."

"You have all you need inside you,
to achieve greatness on earth."

"The likes of which you have
never dreamed."

"But it's time to wake up now
precious angels."

"Wake up, wake up!
And dream the dreams of heaven."

"Then bring them into being
in your earthly realm."

"That heaven and earth
can finally become one."

"This is what is intended -
that you should know
heaven on earth."

"That all the universe should feel
the power of God's love in full."

"That you should create it
over and over again."

"For it is endless, unceasing;
it never rests nor sleeps."

"It holds you now,
containing you in its peace."

"While the body sleeps
and the mind rests."

"As you move deeper
into its grace, healing the illusions
of your fears, it surrounds you."

"It penetrates your being,
moving your being deeper into God."

"Nothing can touch you, angel child,
for none of this is really real."

"It is simply the path you have chosen
to rediscover your true self in all your glory."

"As you slumber, know that we are carrying you,
to the place where you already are."

"For you are in heaven,
because you are heaven, earth angel."

"Sleep now.
And when you rise, shine your full brillance
upon the earth."

"That you may finally know joy, peace,
And the greatest of all - love."

"There is nothing else to do,
for you are love, and that is all there is -

Now and Forever."

May It Be So.

Xanthe - 15 November 2008

Ask and You Shall Receive

2008-10-02T16:31:00.001-04:00

As I sit here with my hands resting on the keyboard, my mind begins to race. There is so much in there that longs to be expressed.

I frantically search for the place to begin.

I am stressed and starting to push.

Then I remember, that's how I get stuck and everything stops.

So with my hands resting on the keys, I gently close my eyes and breathe deeply.

After a few breaths, I hear the voice of God gently rise from the spaciousness that I have created in my core.

"It's okay. Slow down." it says. "One thing at a time. It will all come out eventually. What seems important right now?"

There's so much there, so it's still hard to pare it down, but what keeps coming back to me is the interconnectedness of everything.

"Okay. Can you tell me more about this?" it asks.

Well, it started with all the things happening around money right now. As the stock market really took a nose dive the other day, and doom and gloom were on every newscast, my own mood plummeted too.

I felt scared for myself, my own well-being, my future. I had questions about my own job and money prospects. How long will it all last? Will I be okay? Have I made the right decisions to this point in my life? If I have been unwise, will I be able to remedy things - change my direction, so to speak?

Then I remembered some really key teachings that I have acquired in the last few years.

1. Everything is impermanent.

No matter how long this downturn lasts, there is a certainty that it will shift. This is a function of everything in the physical realm. Nothing lasts forever. If I can tap into this knowing, even for a brief moment, then I can feel freedom and peace from fear.

2. I am a spiritual being, and everything has a spiritual connection.

No matter how scary or threatening things in the physical realm appear to be, they are helping me to evolve spiritually. There are no accidents. Everything that happens is perfectly orchestrated to help me reach a higher level of conciousness. If I can be aware of this in each moment, then I can actively use what is happening to my higher good, and move with the flow of evolution, rather than being dragged with my eyes shut kicking and screaming, so to speak.

Applying that to my life issues at the moment, I can see that when money gets tight, then I have to be much more conscious of my spending. In doing this, I may have to forgo luxuries that I take for granted. This may make me feel anger, frustration, resentment, fear, or any number of other emotions that come up when I am forced to stop and look inside.

But the truth is that these emotions are pre-existing. They are not a function of the deprivation of some sought-after material comfort. What I am doing by seeking comfort in material objects is avoidance. I don't want to feel some pain. It is just a "fix". The comfort I get only lasts a fleeting moment.

By avoidance I become a slave to my unacknowledged pain. I keep avoiding and keep avoiding, until at some point, I either completely self-destruct or wake up and deal with the pain.

The good news is that my fear of lack is pushing me to look at and deal with the pain. When I do this, then I heal on an energetic level, and am able to feel more empowered and be a powerful force in my own life and in the world at large.

The best part of it is that when this moment of turbulence passes, I will be better an spiritual and physical level.

3. The universe has infinite possibilities.

Again and again, when I have been able to open myself up to conscious knowing, I have seen how things always work out in ways that my logical mind could never have imagined.

It is then that I see how limitations are truly a function of mental perception.

So when I feel scared, I can slow down, open myself up to the spaciousness within and become tuned in to the possibilties presenting themselves all around me, all the time.

I then become aware that nothing is lost. If one opportunity passes, that's okay because another is arising to take its place.

4. I only have to do what I came here to do.

I have this terrible fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of being "left behind" in this life.

As I have begun to work with these fears in the last few years, I have become aware that God is not so cruel as to create a being just to see it fail. That is also a narrow-minded, which comes out of limited human perception.

The truth is that I am made perfectly to perform the work that I am here to perform.

I am the only person specially designed to perform my mission on this earth. No one else can take my place. There is nothing more expected of me. I am required to follow my own calling.

To do this, I only have to remember myself. I have to come back to the knowing that I left behind when I entered this realm. This requires me to become conscious, to open myself up to the directives that are coming from heaven every moment.

"Just be still and listen," they tell me. "We are taking care of everything. We will not let you down, nor let you fail. We understand that you are human. To be human takes a lot of work and a lot of courage. We will help you complete your task and walk your journey, if not by one routes, then by another. Remember there are infinite possibilities."

5. Love is patient.

I have learned that everything has come from love. God is love and all that God has made is love. That means that I am love and you are love.

Love seeks only to comfort and to create good things - happiness, joy, abundance, peace. But love also holds an awareness that to create and manifest takes time. Although ideas may come in a flash of insight, it takes time to make them manifest in the world.

There is therefore, no reason to panic. Even though I don't see it yet, I can remember that all that I am and all that I have come here to create is in progress. I just have to be patient and have faith, that everything will appear before my eyes at the perfect moment.

In the meantime, I just I'll open up and let myself be gently carried through this amazing journey of creation on the wings of love that have brought me here.

Thank you God.

"You're welcome. Do you feel better now?" I hear the spirit gently ask.

Yes, spirit. That's what I needed to lift me out of my fear and bring me back to the centre, back to consciousness.

"Good. We are always here to help you. In every moment of your life. All you have to do is ask and you shall receive."

Happy Birthday

2008-10-02T15:53:00.000-04:00

The days are going by quickly. I have the intention to get up early each morning and start the day with writing, but I get up and everything seems to scream at me that it needs my immediate attention.

I'm thirsty and I need to get some water before I forget and hours get past me.

My body's acidic and it needs lemon water so it can restore a balanced PH level.

I have so few clean clothes that I have to do laundry so I can dress properly to go out today.

I have bills to pay, calls and emails to answer - and on and on it goes.

This morning I had to go get some lab work done while I still had an empty stomach. When that was done, I had to get food and drink so I wouldn't keel over. When I came out of the lab, I ran as fast as I could through the pouring rain, praying not to get too wet. Stupidly, I rushed out of the house without grabbing a coat that has a hood.

I got home and took care of a few necessary things, and finally I am sitting down at the keyboard, anxious to do the thing I love - write, write, write.

As I was out running through the cold fall rain this morning, I kept thinking of my sister. It's her birthday.

"Don't forget to wish her Happy Birthday before the day's through" I kept reminding myself.

All the while, I was dreaming of being home and wrapping myself in the beautiful, warm, cozy quilt she made for me.

When I wrap it around me, I feel peaceful, surrounded in a container of love and protection. The energy of her came through her very hands as she did every cut and stitch of that quilt. I feel it so powerfully.

It gives me love. It heals my bruised heart.

Thank you big sister. May all your beautiful quilts be as healing for you as they are for all those who are blessed to receive them. You are a beautiful angel sent to earth to bring love and comfort to many more souls than you could ever know.

I am honoured to be with you on this journey.

May today and all the days of your life be filled with love, laughter, comfort, joy, healing and many many miracles.

I love you.

Happy Happy Birthday. xo

The Long Journey to Nowhere

2008-09-30T13:26:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time.

In the world of the physical time is precious. It is finite.

In the realm of the absolute from whence we have all come, it is irrelevant. It is endless.

I struggle to find balance between the two.

I wish to let go and let life take its course, yet I am sometimes painfully aware that I am incarnate here in this body, which will expire.

I don't know when.

I think, "Lord, if I only knew, I would take comfort in that."

Then I realize that this is not true, for if I knew, I would be panicked beyond belief. I would be paralyzed. I realize that one of the biggest gifts of this existence is the mystery, the surprise, the gradual unfolding, the savouring of each moment because it can never be repeated.

In the almost two years since I wrote anything here, much has happened to me.

Most people looking on from the outside would say that not much has changed. Outwardly my life situation is still very much the same.

But I have changed. I am far from the person I was back at the beginning of 2007.

I have gathered together many more tools to help me in my search for peace in this life. Some days I am disappointed with how much I still fumble around, still a prisoner of my own fears and weaknesses. Sometimes I marvel at my own ability to observe what is happening inside myself without getting caught up in it.

These days I am meditating on the idea of just letting go and seeing what happens. I am looking straight into the eye of all of my expectations, and telling them that God has a bigger plan; that there is no need to be at a certain stage or have anything figured out.

Even as I write that, I chuckle to myself and think, "Wow. It's taken me all of these years just to figure that out!"

There's a bit of self-judgement there. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Mostly though, I just find it funny.

God, how long does it take to get to nowhere?

Is that what the point of all of this is - to search and search and search, to travel to the ends of the earth and back again, seeking out person after person, practice after practice, only to find out that what I was seeking could not be found outside of myself, but was with me the whole time?

It's rather funny, don't you think?

Seriously though, I thought I was probably destined for a life of meditation, sitting at the feet of wise teachers, learning sacred practices that I would spend years perfecting.

Not to decry any spiritual or monastic calling. Each person his or her unique path in this life.

But I understand that life for me is to be enjoyed fully. The task required is to be wholly present wherever, and with whomever I find myself in each moment.

Meditation is the vehicle that carries me through life, not the journey itself. It is the medication that supplements the food of mind and body, not the food itself.

I can feel the Spirit whispering encouragement to me now. "Have no regrets Xanthe. Learning to become still and acquire the skills needed to balance yourself has been necessary. It is part of the healing journey of this life and takes its own time. Now it is time to integrate all of this into life on the outside."

I know this is wise. I know this is the truth. Yet I am desperately afraid of getting plowed under by life again.

And I hear the spirit's gentle reply. "Xanthe, you're stronger than you think you are. Remember you are not the same person you were in the past. You can never return to that ignorance. You don't have to try. It is all a part of you. It is imprinted in every cell of your being."

"You are conscious now. You are consciousness itself. You do not have to think or speak. It lives in your skin. It emanates out of every pore."

As soon as this thought comes through my mind, my fingertips, I stop. I pause. I feel myself contract in fear. This seems arrogant, boastful, self-important.

I want to hit the Backspace key until it is all gobbled up and no one else will ever see it.

But then I hear that little gentle whisper coming from my core again saying, "No Xanthe. Remember. I did not make you perfect as humans define it, but I made you perfect on my own terms. You are perfect to me. You are absolutely perfect for the job that I have chosen for you. Building consciousness is part of this job. This is no time to cower. The world needs you to proclaim consciousness with every heartbeat."

Okay, now I'm scared. What if I mess this up?

"Xanthe, you can't mess this up. You are love itself. Go forth into the world and love, love, love. Allow yourself to be loved and cared for by others. They are here to help you. You are here to help each other. You do not have to do it alone. No one has to do anything alone. That's why you are here together. That's why I am always with you, guiding you, holding you. I have never left you. I am carrying you, always."

I feel my whole body relax.

Thank you God.

You know, this feels so good, it's like being suspended. It's like there's no time, no space, not a thing to think or worry about right now. This writing takes me away.

"Good Xanthe. You see, this is meditation. You see what you have mastered. I told you you are stronger than you realize. This is how I intend for you to feel every moment of your existence - regardless of any of your outer circumstances."

Yes I see now God. Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for this time I've had to learn. Thank you for all of the many benevolent beings that have made it possible through their many selfless gifts. Thank you for your love, compassion, mercy and forgiveness.

Thank you for the lessons, the tools, the friendships, the memories, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the grief, the struggles and the triumphs. Thank you for being here through it all.

Thank you for carrying me all the way back to myself, to right here, to nowhere.

What a magnificent journey it's been.

Thank you.

May you be loved. May I be loved. May all beings everywhere be loved always and evermore!

One Breath at a Time

2006-12-18T22:20:00.000-05:00

I have just wanted all of the rushing to stop. It makes me feel crazy inside. Then I freeze up. Then I get really scared of that.

"I don't have time to get stuck now" I tell myself over and over with increasing agitation.

But I am discovering the reason that I can never successfully talk myself out of my feelings.
It's because feelings are more powerful than words.

The other day I was talking on the phone with a friend. This is a friend who I can really talk to. We were having a conversation in which I was trying to get underneath these feelings in order to resolve them.

When she asked me to tell her all of my feelings, I just kept saying, "I feel overwhelmed."

"Is that all?" she asked.

I knew that it was more than this, but I didn't have a word for this. I wished deeply that I could just somehow transfer my feelings into her, so that she would know. It was so frustrating that I couldn't communicate it verbally.

Words are so clumsy.

Then I sat in meditation for awhile. "Just sit with it." I hear echoed in my mind by my many gifted teachers.

I had an important insight then.

I realized that my feelings were the same feelings of primal fear that I've had my whole life. The same feelings that made me freeze so many times when the world was being turned upside down.

It is so primal and so deep that I don't even notice it - or what it causes. I am frozen. I am stuck. I am scared.

But now I know there is nothing to fear.

There is nothing to fear.

I am okay.

Everything is okay.

I am here.

Life is good.

I draw breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

That feels good.

Inhale.

Exhale.

That feels good.

I do it again....

and again

and again.

I am creating a new reality.

One breath at a time.

Meditation on Manifestation

2006-10-17T13:26:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in awhile.

Life is getting really good with lots of new things happening that are propelling me along the beautiful tide of healing and happiness. It's about time too. Finally I am learning that I am the creator of my own life, my own story.

Oh, I know. I have heard it so many times, but it's almost like it was a tiny little thing rattling around in my head that just wouldn't drop into its place. It's like a golf ball when it's so close to the hole, but doesn't quite make it in, to the total frustration of the person trying to get it in there.

For years my friend Carl would say over and over like a broken record, "Stop sabotaging yourself. You can do it, Xanthe."

Do what, you ask?

Anything that happened to be plaguing me at the time, which could have been anything from a paper cut, to a broken heart, to a mountain of essays or getting into Graduate School. I was a real Drama Queen.

Though I don't know that we as humans ever lose those early well established personality traits, I have noticed over the last few years that I am able to notice them more, sometimes even when they are playing out. Sometimes I am able to stop myself mid-stream or mid-thought, correct myself and change direction.

Looking back I can see how this is beginning to create a new more positive reality in my life. It's so amazing that it makes me what to cry, it makes me want to shout it from the mountain tops.

The flip side is that I am so aware of how powerful thoughts and actions are that I get really frightened of manifesting something negative in a moment of unawareness.

So today I ask the heavens to support me in vanquishing all negative energy from my being. Take away all anger, impatience, resentment, fear or any other negativity, however large or small. Relinquish negativity from me on every level - consciousness, subconsciousness, body sensation. I release it and transform it into brilliant light, pure love and healing. I let all judgement and criticism of self and others dissolve and rebirth themselves as pure compassion.

Thank you for all of the infinite blessings I have received in this life. Open my eyes to see them as they appear and grant me the courage to share them with my fellow beings.

Let me live to bring healing and peace to the cosmos.

Let me be love and light.

I am Lightness.

A New Understanding of an Old Truth....

2006-09-21T17:11:00.000-04:00

I can't remember its exact location in the Bible, but I keep getting this verse repeating itself in my head the last few hours:

It is thou Lord only that makest us dwell in safety.

When I was in high school, this verse was pasted above the glove compartment in all of the school's vehicles.

For some reason my eyes were always drawn to it.

Now that I am healing all of the pain of my past, I have a new sense of what this verse means.

I now see God as inextricably linked with me. God dwells in every fibre of my being, even when I forget that.

I am most fully in tuned with God when I am still, quiet, centred, meditative. It is the place where all of the franticness of my thoughts, worries and reactiveness disappears. The thoughts and feelings themselves don't disappear, just the charge behind them.

It is the place where I simply observe their presence.

It is the place where I feel an indescribable sense of insulation from all of their drama. It is the only place where I feel truly safe. This place is peace that defies words.

So, if this is place of stillness is equated with my connection to God, and is the only place where I feel truly safe, then indeed -

It is thou Lord only that makest me dwell in safety.

Whisperings of Wisdom

2006-09-06T21:04:00.000-04:00

Flip Flop.

Flip Flop.

Everything's so much better.

My body feels better.

My mind feels better.

There are so many good things appearing in my life.

Then suddenly I crash.

I feel tired. I feel overwhelmed. I feel frustrated. I feel sad. I feel scared.

I resist. I try not to feel all of the discomfort.

I turn to my negative coping mechanisms.

Procrastination.

Avoidance.

Food.

Caffeine.

Television.

Books.

The hours tick by while the pressure builds.

I hear the whisper in the back of my mind.

"What are you avoiding? What are you looking for?" it asks.

"Stay with the fear" it says. "It contains your wisdom."

"Stop the frantic search for wisdom in others. All you need is within yourself" it instructs.

"Let go of your addictions. They will only give you a fleeting fix, after which the urgency will only become greater, just like a junkie needing another hit."

"Sit in the urge. Look at it. Go into it. Go deep. Go deeper. And deeper still, until you come right through it."

"You know you will, Xanthe. You've done it before."

"Remember this truth. It has been revealed to you for just such moments as this."

"Remember it, and use it. Practice it right now. Let it help you go deeper and deeper. It will lift you up, higher and higher."

"It will lift you up until you soar through the clouds, far above all of the darkness that you feel inside. This is a moment that will pass into brilliant light."

"Do not be afraid. You are healing, even when you think you are not going anywhere. You are moving faster than the speed of light. You are well. All is well. You are alive and you are living."

"Stop being such a harsh judge of yourself. There is nothing to worry about. There is nothing to do. There is nothing to cling to. Let everything go, and be carried by those you know exist, though you cannot see them. They will hold you through your hours of darkness, next to the light and warmth of your soul's fire."

"You are still safe."

"You are still protected."

"You are still loved - and will be - always and forever."

I feel myself breathe - slowly.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Thank you, Mother.

Small Steps

2006-08-20T13:47:00.000-04:00

Every day I am feeling a little lighter.

Every day I feel more blessed.

Every day I feel more confident.

Every day I feel more peaceful.

Every day I feel more healed.

Every day I feel more hopeful.

As is my tendency, I notice this and then reflect on it.

"Hmmm, that's interesting" I say to myself. "What is it that's different?"

And I keep noticing something - small but very significant.

I see my fear. I see how my drive to break the paralysis caused by that deep fear has always led me to pushing myself to extremes. But now that I notice the fear, it doesn't hold power over me. I am no longer stuck. I no longer have to take a giant leap in order to break through it.

I am finally free to just take each small step as it comes, and watch my life gradually and brilliantly unfold, like the budding and blossoming of a flower. I am present in each moment to accept the gift that it brings me. And I see that all that I have so desperately longed for is appearing right before my eyes.

I have friends and activities. I have help and companionship. I have love, and gifts.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all that I see appearing before me.

It's so beautiful.

It feels so peaceful beyond words.

I am finally learning balance.

I am finding courage.

I am finding community.

I am finding my rest.

I am healing.

Thank you.

Forgiveness

2006-08-14T18:36:00.000-04:00

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

I have been thinking a lot about this word lately. It keeps coming up everywhere - in my readings, my meditations, in teachings, in conversations.

I always think that I have found forgiveness. After all, I have given up the hope that my past could have been any different.

For so long, I felt wronged, betrayed, abandoned by person after person after person.

I would become enraged, spinning and spinning in anger until it wore me out.

Eventually I learned that it was me I had to change because I couldn't change anyone else. And miraculously the people and situations that started to come into my life were better. Perhaps it was a change in external circumstances, perhaps it was a change in my perspective - the "filter" through which I saw the world, perhaps both.

And as my perspective changes, it feels so easy and natural to forgive - for I see how those others, particularly those closest to me, did what they did that so enraged me. I can see the world through their eyes, and I think, "I can see what led them to do that."

So the anger dissipates, because I no longer feel that things were personal attacks against me.

Please don't mistake me here. I am not for one moment suggesting that any sort of violence or misbehaviour directed at another being is excusable. People need to be responsible for their actions. I simply mean that it is fathomable how people come to do wrong to others. When I can understand people in their larger context, what they do becomes about them, not about me, having the result that my anger and thirst for vengeance are quenched.

We are, all of us, products of our circumstances. At any given moment, we react, based on a perceived threat, which we gauge through the lenses of our own histories. If those histories are riddled with violence, pain, loss, then that is how we evaluate each situation in front of us.

It's natural. The human survival instinct is very strong.

It takes time to learn that just because we have these awful histories, does not mean that we cannot go on to have happy, joyful, peaceful, productive lives, filled with peace. It takes time for the marks of trauma to leave our skin.

It takes a great deal of courage and diligence and fortitude, and constant constant work, for us to talk ourselves through each new experience, so that our bodies and minds can really internalize this idea of a better life, overriding the trauma that it will replace.

And I know all of this. I have for some time.

People I talk to lately marvel at how easy it is for me to forgive those who have wounded me.

Still, the message keeps coming from the beyond that I need to look at this some more.

I grow impatient.

"What is there left? Who have I forgotten? For heaven's sake, when will this ever end?!" I think.

I got it today.

The person I have forgotten to forgive is myself.

I realized that I am still hiding behind a protective shell, pretending not to be who I am because I think that if I showed myself, people wouldn't love me. Everyone would abandon me again. This is deep deep shame that has embedded itself in my skin.

In almost every situation, with almost every person, I realize that there is this constant dull voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am not worthy of this person, I am not worthy to be here, in this place, doing this thing. I am not worthy of this good fortune, let alone of asking for or expecting more of it.

But now I recognize this voice as the voice of my shadow. This is the voice of untruth that has held me prisoner my whole life.

I deserve better than to spend the rest of my life alone.

I deserve to be part of a loving, thriving, community of people, knowing that I can handle whatever other humans decide to do in any given moment.

I am big enough.
I am strong enough.
I am free.

I also know that this community that I seek has already formed around me. All I have to do is step into it, acknowledge it, and keep saying thank you.

Thank you for coming.
Thank you for being with me.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for your kindness.

Please forgive me for not seeing you. I was blinded by my own shame.
Please forgive me for not hearing you. I was deafened by the voice of my own shadow.
Please forgive me for not embracing you. It was not you that repulsed me, it was the ugliness of my own past.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you kind souls.

I am here now.

I know my own truth.

I am learning to accept that I could not have done any differently in the past, but that it does not define my future.

I am learning to see infinite possibility, as I step beyond the fetters of the dark shame that has engulfed me for so long.

Please forgive me my shame, as I continue to forgive myself with every breath and every step.

Thank you.

Thank you.

A Morning Prayer

2006-08-10T08:47:00.000-04:00

Good Morning World!

Thank you for a bright, beautiful warm summer's day,
Full of Promise and Possibility!

Thank you for the sun that warms my body.
Thank you for the white fluffy clouds floating in the sky.
Thank you for the birds singing sweetly their song of life.
Thank you for the tall trees and the green grass,
That give me cool shade from above and a soft carpet for my feet below.

Thank you for clean cool rushing water,
That refreshes me from within and washes me from without.
Thank you for all of the living plants and animals that befriend me with their presence,
And freely give themselves to feed my delicate human body.

Thank you for my many friends and family, both near and far,
Who share life's journey with me -
Its highs and lows, triumphs and disappointments,
All its laughter, and all its tears.

Thank you that I am here in this moment,
To breathe in all its glory and wonder.
Thank you for giving me life, and love,
For bringing me through danger and darkness into the Light.

Thank you God.
Thank you.
I am here.
I am present.

I am ready and willing -
I wait, listening for your call.
Show me this moment,
Then guide me to the next.

I know that you are always here,
And always have been.
I know that you will always be -
Today and forever.

Even when time and space are no more,
When the sun and the clouds, the earth and the sea,
And all that in them lives are no more,
There you will be.

You will be there with your arms outstretched,
To welcome me home -
Home to the spirit.
Home to myself.

Home.
I am Home.

Thank you.

Peace.

Taking Flight

2006-08-09T13:46:00.000-04:00

Once a week I attend a Mindfulness Meditation class just a few minutes down the road from here.

We moved to a new location this week, which is really exciting. It's bigger than the one we moved from. Plus it has big beautiful windows on three sides. It's all glass about three-quarters of the way between the floor and the high ceiling of this big old building. We're up high off the ground too. How amazing to be able to look out and see clear across the beautiful summer sky, and to bear full witness to the magnificence of the setting sun.

After we all settled in and did a guided meditation, we were discussing the whole idea of the suffering self. We were talking about how we as humans get caught up in whatever's going on and create suffering out of that, instead of just experiencing external phenomenon through the senses and letting rise, then pass away.

I offered a reflection of this from my own recent experience, with particular reference to what I wrote about here a couple of days ago - that I've realized it's not just the trauma in my body that I am being awakened to, but the incredible resistance that has kept me from feeling it all these years. I was saying how I suddenly realized that this was the source of my suffering.

I reflected how in recent days since I have been going through the trauma, that I start to struggle because it all feels overwhelming, leading me to think and then to say, "But I can't hold all of this. I just can't hold it."

"That's just it" I said. "I'm not supposed to hold it! I just have to let it pass right over me. I just have to let go!"

And just as I said those very words, the person sitting directly opposite me interrupted me with something like, "Oh my god!"

I stopped.

She said, "Sorry. I'm really sorry for interrupting. It's just that at the exact moment that you said those words, I suddenly saw about three hundred birds come out of nowhere from directly behind you and burst out across the sky! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted, but what a coincidence!"

I wasn't offended at all - in fact I was honoured.

I told her that I always ask for signs from the beyond that I am doing okay. I always beg for Mother to speak through the profound fear that rattles around in my brain all the time.

"Please speak in a way that I will know that it's you without a doubt." I always implore in my prayers.

Well, instantly I knew that was a gift, a message from the heavens. They're telling me that I am okay, that I am free, that it's time to spread my wings and soar into my beautiful vision.

I didn't see those birds. My back was to that window, but I blessed this angel sitting across from me who gave me its message.

Then I got home from there and read my sister's message about the message that I received a year and a half ago from my future self. As soon as I read the words, "you will be free", the last part of the vision came back to me. I saw myself standing high on a hilltop with my arms outstretched, basking in the glory of the beautiful landscape for as far as my eyes could see in every direction, feeling the wind caress my hair and skin. And the birds soaring across the sky above me.

Yes, I got the message. I'm okay. Everything's going to be okay!

Wow!!!

Wow!!!

Thank you!

Thank you from my soul!

The time is now.
The time is here.
It's time to spread my winds and fly.

It's time to take the dream and soar,
High above the treetops,
High above the clouds.

Way, way up,
Beyond the beautiful red sky of the setting sun,
Up, Up, into the stars.

Where all my cares fade to dust.
Where all of my worldly strife is forgotten.
Where love reigns supreme.

The place of infinite possibility.
The place of unending joy.
The place where all my dreams come true.

Ocean of Tears

2006-08-08T00:08:00.000-04:00

I had another revelation this morning as soon as I woke up.

Actually, it wasn't so much a revelation, as a knowing. It's something I think I've understood in my head for quite awhile, that has been gradually filtering down into my cells until it when click this morning and I got it.

My friend and teacher Jennifer Lauck (www.jenniferlauck.com) said something awhile back on her blog that resonated with me. She said that someone had told her that with her life history, she is not unlike someone who has walked through a war zone.

When I read that and thought about it in context of my own traumatic history, it rang true for me too, at least intellectually. Until my little voice of judgement chimed in and tried to tell me that mine wasn't that bad. But instead of engaging the argument with myself, I just let it pass.

Well, since I've been having this trouble with my digestion, including some occasional pain in my abdomine. I've really had to look at my life. What's going on? What's caused this?

Now that I am learning to see everything from a spiritual perspective, the first thing I think is, what does this mean from a spiritual perspective?

So I called up a friend who has a copy of the book Heal Your Body by Louise L. Hay. She lists various ailments and what they signify on a spiritual level. She also gives healing affirmations with each one.

According to what she says, anything to do with digestion and abdominal pain, centres around a sense of dread or impending doom.

When I heard this, it immediately resonated with me. In recent months I have begun to uncover my three year old self in my meditations and dreams. Over and over, she shows her pain and fear. She cries out for her absent mother.

Put into historical context, this is true. My own mother tucked me into bed one night, and never came back. Though I was verbal, I would not have had the capacity to understand what was happening.

Of course, I have understood this intellectually for a very long time - but this is bringing it to true understanding - spiritual and now physical - for it is well-known that it is the body that takes on the marks of all trauma - even psychological.

At first I thought my problem was viral, and just accepted that with plenty of rest and fluids, it would pass through me.

After it went on for several weeks in succession, I started to get concerned. That's why I called my friend.

But even armed with new information that made perfect sense to me, I have continued to feel absolutely terrified. Over and over, I have thought, "Is this it? Is this the beginning of the end for this body?"

My intellect keeps telling my little internal Drama Queen to shut up, stop catastrophizing and making a big deal out of nothing.

But it doesn't work. The argument between them just keeps going on, back and forth, back and forth, making me feel tired, frustrated and down right pissed off with myself.

When I woke up this morning, it hit me.

It's not just the pain in my body that is telling the story of that deep trauma (which is actually much much deeper than I have alluded to here), but the incredible resistance that I have put up in order to keep it "under wraps" all of these years!

It's all coming loose. It's all coming out of me now. It's all breaking apart!

There it is!

For years I have expressed to people close to me my nagging frustration that no matter where I am and what I'm doing, I never feel safe in my own skin. I've always had this sense of peril, like some part of me was waiting for something horrible to suddenly fall upon me. I kept getting mad, because in my logical mind I knew this wasn't right, but the source of it, and the way to "fix" it continued to allude me.

So today as I spent the afternoon tending my poor neglected flowers, I reflected on this. I realized that I have not given myself nearly enough compassion or credit. I have always held this sense of brutal self-criticism. I have always thought of myself as not having any courage because I keep stopping and withdrawing from the world.

The truth is that a person with as much trauma as I have experienced is courageous for daring to exist; for ploughing through years of work with great difficulty against incredible obstacles because she really believed that that was what was requred for her to have a better future than her past; for daring to stop when she was tired; to beg and plead with God over and over to show her that there is a better life; and most of all for stepping into the unknown and taking the long journey to come back to peace.

When I think of myself in that context, and that I was doing all of that through all of the trauma and all of the resistance, it blows me away.

How truly remarkable!

How utterly amazing!

How completely miraculous!

Wow!!!

I have more courage than almost anyone I know!

And as I tended my flowers so many things fell into place for me. Like the fact that I was so paralyzed by the brand of Christianity that I was sold as a teenager, which preached impending doom, hellfire and damnation.

Like my paralysis when I see the news some days, and witness the fighting, terror, strife and peril going on every day on this planet.

Like why I feel a flash of red hot anger every time one of my well-meaning teachers talks about the truth of impermanence, and specifically the notion that we must always do our utmost to be ready because we don't know when death will come to each of us. Don't get me wrong, I understand that this is an unavoidable truth. I just also now realize that this is where it hits me, and thus why I have such an incredible internal reaction.

In light of all of this, I made a decision.

At the very least, I must always be aware and compassionate of this little girl's wounds that are so deep. I must learn to recognize not only when the wounds are touched, but also start being mindful of situations that may aggravate them.

I understand that it is impossible to be in the world and totally avoid this pain, but I do believe that with enough exercise of choice and discipline, I can certainly eliminate unnecessary exposure.

Wonder of wonders, I already had a moment the other night when my T.V was on, and another murder show came on. I heard it in the background, and feeling demoralized, I thought, "Hey, this garbage isn't feeding my soul!" And I walked over to the remote control and turned it off. I haven't had the T.V. on since, and that was a couple of days ago.

Finally, I have realized why I worked so hard to resist feeling this pain for so many years.

If I acknowledged the pain and let myself cry, then I didn't know if it would ever stop. Ultimately, I would have to risk the possibility of drowning in an ocean of my own tears.

Isn't it ironic that the tears are now releasing me from that terrible pain.

I am being washed and healed in my ocean of tears.

I am Lightness

2006-08-06T23:59:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago, my sister, who is an amazing life coach, offered me some free sessions as she was getting started, so that she could get some practice. I was more than happy about this because at the time I felt totally lost, drifting in a vortex of confusion, unclarity and fear.

One day she did this really cool visualization with me. She said, "Okay, close your eyes, and picture yourself leaving this space where you are now and floating out into space. Now come back down to earth, and land twenty years from now. See yourself twenty years older. What are you like? What is the space like where you are? What are you doing? What is your life like?

As we walked through the questions, I pictured myself in full colour, twenty years on, and I answered each question in great detail.

I am dressed in loose white cotton pants and a long top. It looks very comfortable, almost like pyjamas. I see a spacious living room with a light-coloured carpet, dark-coloured warm furniture - a comfortable plush couch and a big cushy arm-chair with an ottoman - perhaps dark brown. The house structure is wood. Everything feels very natural and comfortable. The room has big beautiful windows - almost floor to ceiling, letting the sun stream light and warmth into the room. The view is spectacular. I can see lots of lush greenery outside, and hills or even mountains off in the distance, but the room itself is directly overlooking a large crystal-blue body of water.

I see a doorway into another room just off of this one. It has big beautiful windows too. As I take a step closer and look inside, I see it is an office - my office. There is a big beautiful oak desk. On it sits a laptop computer. This is where I write. I write about life. I write about spirituality - and my own spiritual journey in this world. I have written many books. Though I can't see titles clearly, but I see them clearly, lining the bookshelf next to the cozy dark reading chair in the corner behind the desk.

I am very calm and peaceful. I carry an unshakable stability in me, a wisdom that transcends the chaos of the world outside. Indeed it permeates the energy field of this place. I have created a sanctuary for both myself, my family, and all who enter into this house. People come here for refuge, for counsel, to come back to themselves, to regain a sense of themselves and their direction in the world. They come to be comforted in their sorrow, and to receive the blessing of unconditional love.

At the end of the visualization, my sister asks, "What does your future self call herself?"

I say the first thing that pops into my head.

"I am Lightness."

Earlier tonight, as I was sitting here paralyzed in the terror that has plagued me this whole lifetime, trying desperately to find a way to transcend it and regain a sense of this deep peace that I have known only in short bursts, something came to me.

"Lightness! What a perfect name for me! It's exactly what has been so lacking in my life! If I was called Lightness, I would have a constant reminder every time someone called out to me!"

During the visualization, I was also asked what message my future self had for me. I am sad to say, that I don't remember what it was at the time. It's likely that my fear blocked me from really taking it in.

Typically this would be something that I would really beat myself up over, but tonight I decided to take a different approach.

In this moment as I write this, I let my fingers go still on the keyboard. I close my eyes and go back into my beautiful home. I see Lightness there, and now I ask her, "Lightness, what message do you have for me now?"

As I stand here waiting before her, I suddenly hear the words from a song playing on the radio that I didn't notice before: "Stand up and be strong. You can't go wrong. It won't take long..." (Sorry, but I don't know the name of the song or the artist. I've never heard that song before. All I know is that nothing is a coincidence and that those brief words were meant for me right now.)

Wow!

"Thank you, Lightness. Is there anything else right now?"

She gazes back at me, her beautiful hazel eyes reflecting a deep soul back into mine. She takes my hands and holds them firmly but tenderly. She speaks to me through thought, not audible words, but the message is very clear.

"Right now, give yourself the healing that you wish to bestow upon the world. If you do this, all will follow in good time."

I ask her how to do this.

She says, "Balance. Bring everything back into balance. Keep going deep into yourself to find your centre, but don't forget to build your community. It's important to keep going deep, but now you must expand outwards. Don't look to others to tell you the answers that you hold inside yourself. Just be with people. Be present. Give your love, your gratitude, your joy, your happiness. You will receive plenty in return."

"But I feel like I don't have those things. My life is so spartan and lonely and heavy" I say.

"Yes you do, Xanthe. Just be present and trust. You have everything you need to transcend now. I promise. When you feel the darkness and despair, take heart and know that the darker the dark appears, the lighter the light is also. You are brilliant, and you are being prepared for what is to come. All will be well, Xanthe. You are well. You are healing. You are protected. You are never abandoned. Remember the words spoken in church this morning:

There is no place where God is not. God dwells in the darkness as well as in the light.

"Remember this and remember that the healing water of life flows through you. Your discomfort is only discomfort. It is not cause for concern. It will pass momentarily."

"Thank you Lightness. Thank you." I say, with tears welling behind my eyes.

She takes me gently in her arms and hugs me. I feel total safe here. I wish I could stay just like this forever.

And suddenly I remember that in fact I can - for she is me and I am her -

This is ME!!! Wow!!

I am Lightness.

Thank you God! Thank you Mother! Thank you everyone!

I am healing. I am healed. I am safe. I am well. I have everything I need. I am healed.

I am Lightness.

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amandamartin@rogers.com
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Wake up call

2006-07-17T16:42:00.000-04:00

I've had fleeting glimpses of things that need changing in my life. It's like I give them a fleeting glance and then forget about them.

This may happen many times, until suddenly it's like the gabble falling right down on my head, and I am forced to sit up, take notice and then take action.

My body is telling me to take action.

On occasion over the last few years, I would sit at the dinner table with my plate piled full of food, wolfing it down, as if it were going to disappear on me if I didn't.

And I would think somewhere in the back of my mind, "Slow down. This isn't healthy."

But I would continue to eat too much, too fast. Now that I'm being forced to think about my eating, I suddenly have become aware of my "Push/Pull phenomenon with food. I don't pay attention to the fact that I'm hungry, so I'll keep doing whatever happens to be occupying me at the time, and by the time I get something to eat, I'm ravenously hungry - leading me to eat too much, too fast.

I also realize that when I was in high school, I did eat like this - for survival - or so I thought. I was a growing teenager, but I also lived in an environment where things moved very quickly. I actually did see people's plates get taken right out from under them before they were finished, by people who just happened to be in a hurry to get the table cleaned up.

Though this is far from my reality now, it's legacy has been long-lasting. Like I said, it's been nagging at me somewhere in the back of my mind, but old patterns die hard, and so I guess God knows that it's time to put a structure in place to help things along a little bit.

And while this has been happening, a hysterical little girl who lives inside my head keeps getting nervous, scared and upset. Then she makes up stories about what it could be about. She takes me down the path of darkness and desolation. I feel impending doom.

I really start on the path of no return with this, but somebody is right at my shoulder saying, "Hello, Xanthe. I'm still here watching over you. Take comfort. I'm not leaving."

I feel the little girl start to get calm, and sometimes it's a struggle to keep her that way. I beg God for comfort, and I am continually blow away by all messages that start falling out of sky.
So many people. So many ways.

Last night it was a dream, a messenger telling me that everything is going to be okay. And when I woke up I had a new perspective. I have been praying for healing, praying for all fear to leave me, praying for courage beyond measure - in every way so that I may be my highest self. But I've been having trouble knowing what to do to make it real.

This morning I woke up and knew this ailment to be a blessing. This is here to "make me over".
This is the beginning of a new life.

I still don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know for sure that I am being led. I can rest and heal now. Everything is going to be okay.

Today I say thank you for healing. Thank you for "angels". Thank you for teachings. Thank you for blessings in disguise.

Home

2006-07-07T15:08:00.000-04:00

I sit in the emptiness.

I have a thought, then let it pass.

I have an ache, a pain, an itch, and let it pass.

I have a fleeting fear. Am I lost? Where am I? What will I do next? How do I know what will be right? How will I know I will be okay? And I let it pass.

I see only the white light. I feel it all around me. I let it penetrate my being.

Warmth, safety, healing, bliss.

I am home. I am home at last.

Thank you all of the teachers that have walked beside me, to help guide the way. I see it now. I wanted desperately for you to tell me Who I Am and what I should do, but that's because I did not see it. I didn't understand the source of knowing. I did not understand that you were only trying to gently help me wake up to myself.

I am rest. I am healing. There is nothing that can truly harm me.

Thank you all. I am home now.

Awakening

2006-07-04T13:24:00.000-04:00

It happened this morning around 1.00.

I felt this palpable thunk somewhere deep in my being.

In the next instant, "Nothing is real" went through my head.

And I knew it. I felt it in every fiber of my being.

Then I sat bolt upright in bed.

Another realization came washing over me.

"If nothing is real, then that means all of the suffering I have ever felt isn't real either! It's not me. It's NOT ME! It's just a story and I thought it was real!!"

Suddenly I was incredibly giddy. I wanted to jump out of bed, turn the music up really loud, and dance around.

But then I realized that it's 1.00 a.m. and the unreal people with unreal lives that don't really live above me, but don't know that yet still think that they really need their sleep.

So I didn't.

This morning when my unreal body finally woke up, I was still giddy.

I had toast with Peanut Butter, tasting every bite. I felt the heavy stickiness and the small smooth grains fill my mouth. It was like I was tasting it for the first time.

I felt so alive. Everything feels so real because now I just know that it's not!!

I wonder what I'll do next?

Stay tuned.

Prayer for Transcendence

2006-06-27T22:38:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling very afraid these last couple of days - very raw and very vulnerable. It might have something to do with the fact that I haven't been feeling well lately - or it could just be the other way around.

I am learning just how powerful the mind really is. The thoughts that pass through my mind often become manifest in my reality.

In some ways this is very exciting and liberating. It means that I am learning how to "grab onto my life" and steer it in the direction that I choose. I can achieve anything that I truly wish for.

On the other hand it is very scary because so often fears and negative thoughts bubble up in my mind. When I finally notice them, then I start to panic because I don't want those thoughts to be manifest in my reality.

For example, I finally figured out today after several weeks of not feeling well, that in fact, by fearing what may be going on with me I am actually making it more real - perpetuating the "not feeling well".

Funny how I have known this idea conceptually for quite some time, yet today it finally sunk in to my comprehension enough that I can now know it experientially.

So today I have decided, "Enough of not feeling well. Let's stop sliding down the pit and build some momentum in the direction of the next level of 'knowing'.

And I can already feel it coming as I write these words - this next level.

It has to do with seeing the fear, even feeling it without being touched by it.

I have spent my whole life consumed by deep dark fear, and now I am learning that this fear is not me. I am learning to coexist with the fear as a separate entity from myself - really not even that, since fear is in fact an illusion of the mind - just like the not feeling well.

Mother, take me into the deepest darkest night of my fear,
where there is no light and no joy to be found.

Take me there and hold me close in safety,
where I know I will not be touched or harmed.

Let me feel it fully - its coldness, its darkness, its utter despair,
just one more time before I go.

Before I transcend back up into the brilliant light of my soul
to finally rest and heal and be at peace.

Where I can finally do the work that I have come here to do,
to bring goodness and love to the earth.

Thank you for this beautiful gift -
this knowing that I am not all of the terrible things of my past.

Thank you for showing me that these were just my greatest teachers,
sent to show me the way back to myself.

Back to my own soul, which comes from the light,
and destroys the illusion of darkness, which has held me for so long.

I am light Mother, and I am love;
I am transcending the darkness.

I am free at last.

Peace.

Xanthe - 29 June 2006

The Rhythm of my Soul

2006-06-23T23:53:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to see more and more clearly every day how I have filled my life with suffering by putting such heavy expectations on myself.

It began when I was too young to remember now, but interestingly even "young" memories can be brought out into the light with hard work. That is what's starting to happen to me.

There are all of the conscious memories that I have held fast to for years, telling them over and over to whoever would listen.

This is who I am.

This is where I've been.

Where I do go now?

Please help me, I'm just a lost child!

As a consequence I would try to be pretty much any way I assumed that the object of my pleas would want me, and would hence love me forever.

But I have learned through many many losses and excruciating heartaches that it can never work. Everything is temporary. Everyone will sooner or later disappear.

And though I have learned this and begun to truly experience it as a part of my truth, I find there is yet more - oh so much more to be uncovered.

Now, given that I am not these stories, these memories, then why does it matter? I ask myself.

The answer I'm getting is that until these memories are unearthed I will still be walking around in pain, even if I can't feel it. If I want to heal (which is what I am attempting to do here), then I must go way way back to the source of the pain.

Man this is a long journey!

When I said I was going to do this a couple of years ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Frankly I'm glad I didn't because at that time, if I had, I probably would have chickened out before I started.

If I could go back now would I change anything?

Absolutely NOT.

For even in the dark of my worst fears I am beginning to see and feel the light of pure love, compassion and deep healing all around me.

It helps me to see things evermore deeply - things I never would have dreamed I know.

It's transforming me - not just building a conscious awareness of the patterns in which I have lived my life so far, but changing me subsciously, and changing my tired body too.

It tells me that the person I've been is not really who I am. I am far better, and will become better still. The most fascinating thing is that I don't feel like there's any effort involved.

Suddenly I am just strolling along, walking steadily, happily, without fear to the rhythm of my own soul.

What's the Story Now?

2006-06-23T00:07:00.000-04:00

As you know, I have been sitting in the place of unknowingness for the last while - several weeks actually. I know longer know what is truth or where I will go from here.

In fact this is quite terrifying for me. Not only am I beginning to see how much I have been hanging on what I have told myself to be true, but I am really seeing and feeling a lot of unpleasant emotions bubbling to the surface.

My mind gets going when I feel something, trying to put a label on it and figure out where it came from - trying to tell myself the story of how it came to be there again.

It could be fear, grief, anger, sadness, resentment, rejection - or so many others. Or it could be any number of these all mixed in together - who knows?

And that is the question. Who knows? Who needs to know?? Does it really matter? If it does, then I am getting caught up in another story again. I am repeating the same old pattern again - taking yet another lap around the track that ultimately leads me back to the same point of more suffering.

So how do I sit with the stillness?

How do I simply observe my passing emotions without acting them out?

I am learning how to do this through my meditation practice. Like anything, it is not perfect, even though most of the time I expect to just be an "expert" right away. Like I said in my last entry, I am learning that I can't just magically go from "here" to "there", I have to be patient and walk one step at a time. Along the way I trip and stumble over pits in the road, pebbles, stumps, twigs and even big boulders.

I have to keep reminding myself to let go of the story that I have held for so long, because when I reach out to brace my falls I look for something familiar to grasp. But if I keep reaching for the same old thing, I will not find truth for this story is not my truth.

The truth is that I am transforming and who I am is changing in each heartbeat.

So the question I keep asking myself is, What's the story now?

And I have to ask it anew each moment because it's different each moment.

So the task now is to learn how to live the story in each moment as it is revealed.

Oh Mother help me, this is such hard learning. I feel so slow, so far behind. The moment is long gone by the time I get what it has to show me.

"That's okay. You're getting better with time" she says. "Keep going. Keep going."

My Mother My Self

2006-06-20T00:48:00.000-04:00

I have a confession.

It's this judgement that I have of myself.

It's that I'm not worthy because I don't have a "job", I'm not "established", I do not have a significant other, I am not in the throws of contemplating marriage, but mostly it's because I am not a mother.

I watch all of these other young women around me that are in their 20's and 30's with their young children. They talk about all of the challenges of having partners, homes, jobs, and raising their little kids.

They talk about having to get up extra early in the morning just so that they can have time to themselves. They spend the rest of their days doing household chores, running kids from here to there and back again, being part of a couple and very often fitting in full time or part time jobs in there somewhere.

I look at them and I look at me and I feel so small. I can't even get more than a load or two of laundry done in a day on top of two-three meals, dishes, running my errands and getting the bills paid.

I try to give myself a real pep talk and tell myself that the work that I am doing is very important. I have never had a foundation in my life, what with all the turmoil that characterized my childhood, so now it's time to go back and lay one down for myself.

"This takes time" I tell myself. "You must be very kind and patient with yourself. It's not like you've been instilled with confidence from a small child. Heck, if you had been, there would be no reason to do all of this work."

And though my logic understands the truth of this, I feel somehow, far less than enough.

I know that there are many opportunities that I missed out on as a young person growing up, and many people said to me, "Don't worry, you have all the time in the world."

But the truth is, I really feel my own impermanance. People can deny it all they want, but someday time will run out on this mortal existence of mine. It could be before I finish typing this entry, or it could be when I'm 115 - nobody knows.

Mostly I just feel so out of touch with the world.

When I say this out loud, well meaning people say to me, "Oh, you just need to get out and participate more in the world."

I realize they mean well, so usually I just thank them for their advice if I'm not particularly irritable. I feel like if I try to "defend" my position they will just think I'm a big whiner.

I'm not.

I'm extremely grateful to have gotten this far in life, but now I just know it's time to change my way of moving through it because what I was doing just wasn't working, and that takes a lot of un-learning and re-learning and that can be very daunting to say the least.

Now as I sit here and reflect on all of this, I am beginning to realize just how important it all is, for me, and maybe for the children in my future (if not somebody else??).

What I see today is that I am no less than my counterparts who are running larger households and shepherding other lives. They talk to each other about their experiences because they're just as scared of the uncertainty in their own worlds as much as I am in mine.

Some may criticize me and say that I have nothing to worry about in comparison because at least someone else's life isn't at the mercy of my mistakes.

But in this moment I ask myself, "Am I less important? Is that little girl who was left behind in that bed all those years ago in a place she deemed safe, and then tossed out into a world where the nightmare happened over and over again, and who had not the developmental capacity to make sense of it all less important?

I was told countless times as child to just let it all go. "Let the past stay in the past" well-meaning adults would say to me all the time.

But how could I stay upright to walk into the future when I couldn't feel the ground under my feet?

For so long I couldn't find the words to articulate this - I didn't know just what the problem was, but now I see it

I also see that the only solution is to learn to be Mother to myself. I can't turn back time. I can't restore all of what I lost back there. I can't go back to find the mother and family I wish I had. Yes, those wise adults were right - the past is gone, but the little girl who got left behind has remained, and no matter how hard I try I can't ignore her.

The only way to "catch-up" is to keep walking, because there are no time-warps here - no "fast-forwards". Though I know that there are many things that I will never experience, I still have to walk this girl from there to here. It will take some time, and some good mothering, which I am learning as we go along - like all of the other mothers who are busy with the little beings who have issued from their bellies.

I don't think it is any less significant or less terrifying for me, even if sometimes I don't believe it.

This is a very lonely job because ultimately there is no one else in the world who can show me the path I am destined to walk. No one has the answer to my purpose and what I have come here to this life to achieve.

I must learn to be still and learn to hear mother speak from inside me. I have to learn trust from a life riddled with abandonment and disappointment.

"But Mother how do I begin?" I ask in desperation.

And Mother tells me, "Remember child, who is the one person who will never abandon you in this life because it is physically impossible."

"Myself" I reply.

"Yes" she says.

"Remember that you are your mother now and you are enough."

"Yes. I am my mother now. I am learning how to be a mother to myself. I am a good mother. I am my mother myself."

I AM MY MOTHER. MY SELF.

Turning, turning....

2006-06-18T23:41:00.000-04:00

I know it's been awhile since I wrote.

There's been so much churning inside of me (including a nasty stomach bug), that words seem to overwhelm me constantly. I am bombarded by all of these great trains of thought, and I say to myself, "Hey, I should go write about that!" But then I follow the thought and it gets so crazy in my head that I just have to stop and shut it down.

To put it in a nutshell, I feel as though I am in deep transformation. I am in the sanctuary turning and turning the soil of my being and uncovering treasures that have been deeply buried for a lifetime. Every time I find a new one, I just have to sit with it and treasure it for awhile.

Most recently I have begun to see a place of deep rest within myself that I never could access before. I mean, in the last couple of years I may have experienced it for maybe a couple of milliseconds at a time when someone was doing an exercise with me, but now I'm seeing bigger and bigger glimpses of this wide open space that I can only stand and observe in complete awe.

I have truly come to a quietness in which all of the things that I have held to be true, and all of the story lines in my head are gone. They are simply gone.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've had a lobotomy or anything, it's just that all that stuff that was in there is now like a faint and annoying background noise. And it's not that the things that I have experienced in my past did not happen - they did - and many of them were excruciating.

It's just that I see now how there are an infinite number of vantage points from which to see absolutely anything.

There's a part of me that's very terrified and grieving, for I don't know this place. I don't know where I am headed. The only compass I have to guide me is my soul, and because I have depended almost entirely on my fear up to this point in my life, I'm not very good at listening to my soul.

But I'm am practicing this art. I am building the muscles needed to hear the language of my soul, and I am learning to steer my life however clumsily along this road of life.

This is changing everything. I know nothing anymore. I stand here in the spacious void of peace waiting for the next signal to tell me which way to go.

Sometimes images of things past float up before my eyes, startling me and bringing me a burst of emotion - often sadness and loneliness. Now I know however that it is just an image of things past - no longer real, so I just let the images and the emotions bubble up before me - watching them and feeling them with curiosity.

What I notice more often than not is that though these visions and feelings can be very raw and tender, I am able to hold them inside an unwavering sense of complete peace.

I am letting go of all expectations of the things that I have set out to accomplish, and all notion of what things mean in my life. Life simply is, and I am.

Writing helps me to process these changes, and so I hope to never stop writing - in fact I hope things really pick up in this regard. It really is a great release. But what I will write I do not know. There is no more plan, no more template, no more time schedule of when the "memoir" will be written "by". I do not know if there will be a memoir. Writing - yes. Memoir????

I have many thoughts on this to keep turning in the soil of the garden in my sanctuary. I hope to continue to share them over time.

Today, I am simply standing in the void of spaciousness, feeling the love that I am.

I love you all.

Thank you for walking with me in this life.

A Prayer for Jenny

2006-05-29T20:23:00.000-04:00

Last summer when I travelled to Jennifer Lauck's memoir writing workshop at Tara Mandala Buddhist Retreat Center in Colorado, I was scared stiff.

First of all, it was a long way from home, into very unknown territory, where I knew no one.

Then there was the whole being in the middle of the wilderness with no electricity and living in a tent for an entire week.

Now, let me clarify something. I don't mind any of this in theory. It sounds like a great adventure, as many things do to my curious and adventurous mind. The problem is that sometimes I'll be intrigued by things and jump in headfirst, only to suddenly "hit the wall" when I've gotten myself deep in the middle. I end up having to turn around and go back with feelings of frustration and disappointment.

Camping in Colorado sounded like great fun.

Being at a writer's workshop with a writer whose work I greatly admired sounded amazing.

But what if I got down there and couldn't function because the terrain was just too much? I had nightmares of spending all of that time, money and energy getting down there and looking like a total fool when I discovered that I had "hit the wall" right smack dab in the middle of the wilderness with only strangers to comfort me.

I'd get to this point in the nightmare and then realize that I didn't know what to do or say next. Maybe it would just be something sheepish like, "Oops, sorry for your trouble. I guess I'll just be going now."

Then I'd think, "Oh God! Oh no, that wouldn't do! That would just be the height of stupidity and humiliation!"

Then I would break out in a sweat.

Then I would cry.

Then I would decide that I just couldn't risk going.

But I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to go so badly.

So, after weeks of this emotional roller coaster, I gave in, and I went.

What an experience!

In fact when I arrived at Tara Mandala after an entire day's journey, I felt like I was home. I never had one bit of trouble the whole week that I was there, and I felt like I had known those strangers forever. It was just like coming back to visit a group of dear friends.

Among those dear friends were Jennifer Lauck, my teacher, and author of Blackbird, Still Waters and Show Me the Way; Michelle O'Neil, my very gracious tent-mate and an amazing writer and mother; and Jenny Rough, whose sheer vitality, clarity of vision, and total determination blew me away right from the moment she opened her mouth to speak.

I was actually quite intimidated by Jenny that first night. If there's one thing that's pervasive within all of my thinking, it's fear. It always shocks me when people tell me I'm courageous. I sit there and think, "If you only could hear all of the thoughts going through my head, and see the painful process it takes for me to move towards anything and everything in life, you wouldn't say that."

But I'm now working with my fear instead of against it. This is the point of this whole writing and healing process for me.

I digress. Where was I?

Oh yes, I felt intimidated by Jenny's courage, but in a really positive way. I was awestruck when, in introducing herself, she said that she had taken a leave of absence from her career as a lawyer because she needed a break. She needed to write.

Now, I'm not quoting her directly. Although my memory's good, it's not quite that good.

But the point was that she had the courage to step out of the "box"- out of what one might say was expected of her, either by her husband, her family, society or all of the above, and follow her dream of being a writer.

"Wow!!!! That's just like what I'm trying to do!" I thought.

Jenny said she would go anywhere to be a student of Jennifer Lauck.

"Wow! This woman's got guts! I need some of that!" I thought.

That was the big difference between me and Jenny. She had courage. I was permeated with fear.

Over the ensuing week, I was lifted up by her brilliant courage and her compassion towards me. She was kind, gentle and encouraging, always offering helpful feedback about my writing, and always offering to help me up the road between the dining yurt and the teaching yurt in the meadow.

It was so amazing to walk beside her that week, but I'm sad to say, I lost her for awhile after that.

I had a hard time coming back. I had a hard time with my aloneness and regaining my balance after being in a couple of different environments over the span of about three weeks. I was drowning in sadness and grief. I was drowning in frustration and fear.

Everything seemed to stop for me. I had to find a way to make some money. I was really scared.

I felt like my writing wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't going anywhere. I did manage to get into meditation and yoga classes. I was trying to find my balance, the centre of my being.

Writing became a peripheral thing once again.

I often thought of my time at Tara Mandala and all the people I met there - Jennifer, Jenny, Michelle, Kim, Zoe, Vanessa, Sylvia and many other gracious beings that blessed me in that week, but I felt as though somehow I had failed them, that I wasn't good enough, that I was unworthy.

Finally around Christmas it really got to me, and that little voice inside of me was saying, "Get out your list and contact them. Come on, you can do it."

Well, I didn't. I let my shame win.

Then in early February I got an email from Jenny. She was writing to say hello and tell me about the blog that she was starting.

So I figured at least if I couldn't find words to say, I could at least read hers.

Not only have I been reading but we've even had a few brief exchanges, Jenny and I. I have also since started talking to Michelle. She has a blog now too.

And a few weeks ago, when I "hit the wall" again and decided that I needed to kick this fear and step into this writing thing, I started a blog too!

You see, what I didn't mention in my initial entry was that although my friend David planted the seed of the idea for this a few years ago, it was Jenny and Michelle who really showed me that it was possible - that I could just step right through my big fear right this minute and do it.

And I did.

And I continue to stumble through this whole balance thing with writing, reading, meditating, exercise and everyday demands, but I'm doing it.

And Jenny, Michelle and Jennifer are continuing to carry me whether they know it or not.

The other day Jenny wrote an entry called Having Days. She's just moved across the country, away from sunny southern California, which she dearly loves, so that her husband could take a new job.

She's struggling with grief and sadness, fear and loneliness. She's lost her balance. Starting over is terrifying. I know. I've done it. But I don't even have to move my home to go through this. I go through it every time I step out into the world for a day, a week or a month - it doesn't matter. I always go through it.

When I came home from Tara Mandala it lasted six months. I ended when Jenny called out to me in February. Thank God she did, or I might still be "having a day".

She's scared that no one will publish her writing.

Me too, Jenny, me too. But you know what?

I wrote something not so long ago out of this place of deep desperation. I was just frustrated. I needed to do something to create some momentum, so I sent it out to a few friends. It's just a small piece, but it is being published. It won't yield a royalty cheque. This outfit is not that big.

But it gave me reason to hope that more will come.

I also realized that I had this preconceived notion of how my writing was "supposed to be". It was holding me prisoner.

And now I'm writing - just writing.

And it feels totally exhilarating and utterly terrifying all at once.

So I want you to know what you've given me Jenny. I hope I just gave it back. That's how it works, doesn't it?

I love you Jenny. You're not alone, and you will be published.

And when you kneel down to pray I am praying with you, for you.

Mother, please bring Jenny peace and comfort. Bring her back to all of the courage that she showed me, that she has given me. Hold her and love her and keep her safe from harm. Bless her, for she is an angel who has showed me the way back home to myself.

Xanthe - 29 May 2006

You may check out Jenny's website and blog at www.jennyrough.com

You may check out Jennifer Lauck's website at www.jenniferlauck.com

You may check out Michelle O'Neil's website at http://michelleoneilwrites.blogspot.com

You may check out Tara Mandala Buddhist Retreat Center's website at www.taramandala.com

A New Way of Being

2006-05-26T13:45:00.000-04:00

I feel like my body is a metaphor for the most crucial lesson that I'm supposed to learn in this life - balance.

This struck me a few months ago as I was in the midst of reflecting, yet again for the hundred thousandth time, on how my life seems to fluctuate between extremes in so many ways.

I don't think I'm alone in this regard. In this world where everything just seems to be going faster and faster, and we're trying to pack in more and more activities - where multi-tasking is the operative word, I think people just get tired.

I feel this acutely. But if I admit it to the world, am I a failure?

I spent a lot of years in school, trying to be educated for a society that appears to reward education with well-paid jobs, but I struggled to the point that I really wanted to quit so many times. It's not that I wasn't smart enough - I was. It's just that my programs demanding that I produce a certain amount within a certain time frame, and putting that together with the necessary activities of daily living like eating healthy and sleeping, I just couldn't cut it. So I would need to ask for extensions, exceptions and what-have-you, but I always needed to justify these things, burning more precious time and energy in the process.

I drilled myself into the hole further, getting more and more tired.

I got sicker and sicker.

I got angrier and angrier.

I asked God so many times why, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't be good enough.

"Why can't I just fit the mold? Why can't I be like everybody else?" I'd scream out to the cosmos.

So I stopped. Everything.

I had to get out of the rat race for awhile and slow everything down enough to find the answer.

When I did that, I discovered that the answer was not somewhere out there but deep deep inside my being.

Being so accustomed to using my intellect to figure everything out, learning to listen to the whisperings of my own inner voice has not been easy. In fact I have discovered that the fear that has cloaked my consciousness for a lifetime is so deep and so wide that it might just be as big as the universe itself. And that scares me more than anything.

But now I am learning to watch the fear with a certain curiosity, just as if I am a scientist conducting an experiment in which I have absolutely no preconceived notions as to what will happen when I do "x"; or better yet a young child who is just mastering her own body and wants to know every object with all of her five senses.

So I watch the fear.

What does it look like?

What does it feel like?

What does it sound like?

What does it smell like?

What does it taste like?

And when I ask these questions an amazing thing happens - I see that the fear is an external object. It is not part of me. It is not me. And then I see that I do not need to be lost in it. And I am free.

If only until the next time, I am free.

But that is only the first part. That is the part where I am able to recognize my fear. Now, however, I need to put something in its place.

From the fear has grown this sense of "not-enough-ness" in me, but if this is not my truth, then what is?

The truth is that I was taught to conform to systems because that is how people organize all information and stimuli. The human brain needs to fit things into categories in order to have some way of holding everything.

Also, our parents and the people who have guided us through childhood can only do so using their experience of the world. Therefore they teach us to conform to what they know to be the way the world works in order to keep us from harm.

Another reason I was taught to conform is that some people seek to have control over others because they think that this is where power resides.

And they are wrong.

What am beginnimg to realize now, is that I have never been able to "fit the mold" because I was not meant to. I will never be able to "fit the mold" because I am not meant to.

None of us are meant to fit the mold.

Every single one of us was created to do a job that no one else can do. If this were not the case, then what would be the point in creating us?

So now I am mastering the art of listening to that voice inside of me. It is the compass that will help me find my way to my "job" on this earth, and the purpose, the fullness of my being.

I am learning a practice called Green Tara. Green Tara is the Goddess of Healing and Compassion. I believe she has called me because she knows that my fear is so big that I really need MAJOR help learning to exist outside of it.

This practice usually takes me about an hour and a half. Optimally, it should be done twice a day.

Twice a day, you say!!! I can't do that! How does a girl who needs three times the amount of time and energy to perform every task supposed to have enough time for that? That's three hours out of every day!

So I am on-again, off-again. Some days I do it, some days I don't. And I probably spend half my days trying to plan the most expedient way to spend the other half. (You'll have to pardon me. I'm an intellectual, you see. It's helped me to survive this long, and old embedded patterns take a very long time to write over.)

It all seems silly and frustrating. I feel like most days are still spent doing the tasks necessary for physical survival - grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry. And now that I'm not in school there are the little added bonuses of exercise and sleep. These things have probably are what have changed the balance of my physical body enough to keep me healthy for a change.

But these things are not enough. I get frustrated because there just has to be more to life for me than this.

Yesterday I felt this frustration, this fear. I broke out of the mold again.

Instead of saying, "It's already 10.00 and my Green Tara Practice will take me too long," I simply did it.

And again this morning when I felt that voice of reason trying to talk me out of it again, I just sat down and did it.

I expected it to take me an hour and a half, but it only took an hour today. I guess Tara makes things move quickly.

Now I feel calm. Very calm.

I started doing housework after that, but you know, I felt the urge to sit down and write whispering in my soul, so I sat down to write.

It's okay, the chores will wait.

What I know today is that I have been trying to hard to know it all and do it all myself. When I am true to myself, and do the thing that I am called to do, then there will be many angels, both human and spirit, placed in my path to help me with the rest.

Today I am calm, I am grace and I have faith.

Tara, Mother of Healing, thank you for your compassion, your strength, you wisdom, and placing people in my path to help me, even when I do not see them.

Thank you...

2006-05-18T16:59:00.000-04:00

Everyone who's out there reading this and patiently checking back for new posts, I wish to say thank you.

Krista, I love your comments. You have no idea just how encouraging they are.

Thank you to everyone who's posting comments. They give me momentum to keep writing.

I am currently working on a few new pieces, which may end up being posted in short succession.

Simultaneously, I am trying to build my meditation muscles. I have discovered the beauty and value of being able to sit and quiet the mind everyday, but this is not easy. I mean, it is easy when I let myself drop down into it, but it's not easy when I think of the many things I have on my To Do list each day.

I have been raised in a culture that validates "Do-ers" instead of "Be-ers", and I have let it penetrate me so deeply to the point that I am constantly sabotaging myself with negative internal dialogue. This is particularly true with regard to my meditation, the results of which I cannot quantify, and my writing, which I constantly tell myself is "flaky".

And I ask myself, "Xanthe, what crime is there against being flaky?"

And the answer, "Well, none. It's just awkward because it doesn't usually meet with a lot of approval."

And there it is. I am searching for people's approval. I have always desperately sought the approval of others.

And in the last two years I have sought to dig deep down into my soul, find out who Xanthe really is, figure out what she is here to accomplish, and learn to "sit" in that space.

And I am doing this. It's just not easy because all that has been written on me in the last thirty years is like indelible ink. I didn't quite notice it in time to get it all off quickly. It's going to take years and years of scrubbing to make it less noticeable, and ultimately I have to accept that it will always be there.

So every day I get up and try again.

Meditation first, or breakfast?

Usually breakfast wins and it's bad news because then I launch myself head-long into my To-Do list for the day because time's marching on and no one's here to do it all for me.

Then before I know it, it's four o'clock and I'm sitting here with a guilty conscience because I still haven't done a meditation and I'm still not finished the things on my To-Do List and it's getting late.

I feel really disappointed and I can hear that negative voice inside my own head gearing up for the big lecture, but today I will hit the "Stop" button before it even starts because I'm doing okay.

I am much better than I was yesterday, and nobody except maybe Mozart ever wrote a concerto without starting with scales and a few little ditties designed to learn finger position.

I have an ever-growing social circle with an ever-growing social life, mostly constructed of people and events that are designed to help me find this higher-self for whom I am desperately searching.

So I have decided to record another message over the negativity lecture.

This one says, "Hurray!! You did it! You took another step! Look where you are! Look how far you've come! Look how many people love you! I knew you could do it!"

So thank you. Thank you again for your presence with me on this journey and your patience as I stumble along learning a new way of life and a new way of being.

And please keep the feedback coming. I need all the encouragement I can get!

Thank you.

Resistance

2006-05-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

I am in resistance.

I tell myself that there has been a lot going on lately. I've hardly been home. When I get home I'm tired and need to take care of my basic needs. There is no time left for "other" things. There is no time to write and meditate... It's okay, I go out to meditation class anyway....

It's true - I have been very busy lately. I've hardly been home. It's true - I have started going out to meditation classes lately. I've also started going to yoga again after a couple of months brooding about not being able to go because Kunga started a new session and he agreed that he would feel okay about having me in there again.

So all of these things are going well.

But this need to write nags at me all day long in the middle of the mayhem in my brain. From the moment that I first open my eyes in the morning until the light goes out at night.

"Come on, just sit down and do it. You know you can. You know you want to."

And I do want to. My spirit wants to. And there's no lack of material. Soooo many amazing things have been happening to me recently.

I was talking about it the other day with Sue. She asked me, "What are you afraid of?"

I stopped. I couldn't answer her.

Then last night in meditation class we talked about impermanence and how we have this tendency to contract and try to hold on - to resist change.

Yes Susan my resistance is very strong. I hit something. I stop. I see this happening. I try to talk myself through this. I ask, "What is the source of this?"

But she says not to try to figure it out. It's the same message I got at Hoffman.

Intellect please take a rest. Hello Resistance. Won't you come in, sit down and have tea with me. Let me look at you. What do you look like? You look solid - a big black solid brick.

What do you feel like?

You feel hard, solid, heavy, like a big boulder. Like the one sitting right in the pit of my belly right now.

Susan says that's where we hold stress - in our bellies. When we contract we are in resistance. Well, I feel it right in this moment. That boulder in my belly won't let go. It won't move.

Resistance, what do you sound like?

You sound like too much noise - like the radio turned up so loud I can't think; like the T.V. when my antenna's in the wrong spot and it's all noisy static, and I want more than anything to just hit it with a hammer to make it stop for good. It's like that in my brain right now. Noisy voices all jumbled up together telling me, "But, but I should be doing the dishes, I should be doing the laundry, I should....."

Please SHUT UP! I'm a writer. This my job and if you don't like it, too bad!!

That's better. Thank you.

Resistance, what do you taste like? You taste like awful bile that comes up in the back of my throat when everything wants to come up instead of going down because my body's upset. It's the stuff that makes me panic because my body's about to lose control of itself. I want to be in control. I want to be well. I want things to flow in the right direction.

I want to flow. I want to be a river, not a big rock in the middle of one.

Resistance, what do you smell like?

You smell like rotting garbage, a noxious gas that makes me gag the moment it reaches my nostrils. You smell like death, like things that were once living that have been left to decompose in the hot summer sun.

I want to smell the sweet smell of the pretty pink and purple petunias on my patio - those living things that give off the sweet aroma that reminds me that life is beautiful. I want to enjoy them, for soon that will join that rotting compost. They will not smell sweet any more, but give off that noxious aroma of death.

This was last night's lesson. That the beautiful flowers soon will die, just like everything. This is a natural part of all life. It is impermanent.

But something deep deep in my belly fights this as if my very life depended on it - resistance.

And how ironic given that in fact the very opposite is true.

In order to remain alive I must stay in flow. Resistance is death.

So today I will sit here and have tea for two - me and resistance. And when we have had enough we will take our leave until another day. Some other day, though we cannot say when.

And I will sit down and do my writing. And I will know that life is okay. I will know that I exist and impermanence exists and resistance exists and everything is okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything is okay.

There is nothing to fear.

Thanks Sue. You ask good questions. You are my angel.

I love you.

In the Sanctuary

2006-05-09T12:54:00.000-04:00

This came to me almost two weeks ago now. This is a message of love and thanks to everyone who has blessed me with their presence in this life. This is how I am beginning to see my life. This is my vision for the future...

Mother, I’ve been feeling so lost for so long that can scarcely begin to imagine what it’s like to feel what it’s like to be home. Safety, comfort, peace – these are things that I wouldn’t even let myself dream about because it was too cruel to come back to the reality of all this chaos and suffering.

But Mother, in spite of everything I have wished for these things with a longing that is deeper than any words can describe. And though my dark thoughts threatened to hold me back from risking disappointment, my spirit knew that I must make the journey, I must do whatever it took to find these things – or lay down to die.

Yes, I was so tired I was dying. My body was dying. My soul felt as though it was dying. So I surrendered, and I prayed. I prayed and prayed, “Show me the way. Please. Please. Send someone who can show me what to do and how to begin.”

Then, to my amazement, people started appearing. Some were long-time friends who had knowledge of things that I needed, others were perfect strangers that ‘showed up’ right in my path.

At first the sceptic in me would try to reason it out, “Oh, this is nothing special. You just happened to get lucky. Get ready for the next blow. The carpet’s going to be ripped out from under you again soon.”

But as time’s gone on, that dark voice inside me gets softer and softer still.

And I feel something I’ve never felt before. At first it came in short glimpses, but over time they’ve grown longer, clearer – the feeling and the vision of sweet soft peace that my soul has craved since I can remember.

Even still, I feel the pain, the frustration. The more I know of this peace, the more I want it. Mother I am impatient to be free of this terror that has haunted me for lifetimes! I want this peace! I want to stay in it, rest in it, bathe in it! Please take me there! Hurry! I’m dying Mother! I can’t go on one more minute in this cold lonely darkness! Show me the way to the light!

I am still frightened. “What if I’ve come so far and I can’t climb the last leg up this mountain? What if it’s too steep, too high? What if I lose my balance? What if I don’t have enough strength? What if I am not enough?” I hear from the darkness.

Then comes your soft sweet voice of calm through my fear. “Take up your gift and give it to the world.”

“But Mother I have no gifts. I am poor and crippled,” says the fear.

“Oh, but you are sadly mistaken child! Don’t you hear it calling out to you? Don’t you feel it pulling you?”

Yes Mother. Yes, I feel as though I could sit down and write and write and write all of my pain. It’s there like an itch demanding to be scratched. Every moment I am consumed with burning desire to let it flow out of me.

“Good. Obey the pull. Let yourself be drawn in. Let your fingers write your pain. This will heal you.”

Oh, I’m so scared Mother! If I go there I will never come back! I will be driven out of my mind with the pain, and I’m afraid it will all be too much. I will just be forced to lie down and die! I already feel like I’m going out of my mind! In my moments of writing it’s always the same things – the same pieces of story over and over like a broken record.

Round and round we go. How does the story start? Does it start with Mother? Does it start with healing? So I’m talking about what prompted this whole writing thing in the first place. Same story, over and over. Round and round we go. I am stuck like a record with a scratch that keeps playing the same note over and over, until someone comes and moves the needle.

It feels so dumb, so insignificant, so boring. Who cares?

“But it’s not,” I hear her say. “You can’t see it yet, but you are making great strides, that will be of utmost importance to you and to many.”

But how? I am unconvinced.

“To you this feels repetitive, like you are going around and around in a continuous circle, but every time you cover the ‘same’ ground, the story is told in a different way.”

Yes, so? It’s still the same story nevertheless.

“But each time it comes out a different way there are different details coming to light.”

So what? They’re just petty details.

“No Xanthe. They are not petty. They are uncovering more hidden pain, more truth and more healing. I tell you, you are making great progress. I tell you, it’s like turning the soil before planting a garden. Each time you work the soil it’s more workable, and you go deeper and deeper. It appears to be the same patch of earth, yet you are going down deeper and deeper to places the eye cannot see. This is necessary. If you don’t get down deep enough to loosen the soil for the plants that you put there, it will not be able to hold enough nutrients for them and they will quickly die.

“Keep going Xanthe. Keep on writing. Even if it looks the same. There is so much ground to cover.”

That’s just it, Mother. It all comes to me in pieces, all the time. I see this little bit and that little bit. They’re pieces scattered everywhere. And I always see them at the most inopportune moments, like when I am just on the edge of sleep, when I can’t start putting them all down. They come like a flood. It’s so overwhelming. I just can’t hold it all. I am too small. It terrifies me, rattles me, paralyzes me. It stops me in my tracks.

“Oh Xanthe, you are not too small!! How you underestimate your own power! And you have nothing to fear. The things that are important will stay with you.

I hear you, Mother. I hear you whisper this in my ear many times a day. So why am I still so afraid? Why do I still get so stuck? Why do I do anything to resist the pull that threatens to overtake me even though I know it will heal me?

“You fear it because it feels too good to be true. You fear it from the part of your heart and your soul that has been broken by all of the tragedy, all of the loss, all of the disappointment in your past.

“But I tell you, all of these things, all of these experiences are meant to heal you.”

But it hurts so much! Stop it! Stop the pain! I can’t stand it! I want to go to sleep! I want to wake up when it’s over! I want to forget!

“Xanthe, look at me.”

No Mother, I’m afraid! I’m ashamed! I’m not good enough! I can’t carry this! Go find someone better – someone who’s worthy!

“No Xanthe. Look at me!”

No, I can’t! I can’t!

“Xanthe, look at me.”

The tears streak my face. There is a long pause.

“Xanthe, I am infinitely patient. I will wait for you. However long it takes you to look at me, I will wait. I will be here when you are ready.”

But why? Why do you want me? Don’t you get impatient and mad at me for being such a wretch? I do. I prove all the time that I can’t keep my balance in all this chaos called life. Heck, I can’t even reach out to say thank you to the people who have given me so much and helped me along the way. How can you be patient with that?

“I can be patient because I am not human frailty. I am love. I am only love. I do not hold fear. Oh yes, I can see fear, feel fear and understand fear, but fear cannot penetrate me. I exist to protect you from your fear – the illusion your mind is so caught in – and has been for so long.

“I tell you this is not your truth. I cannot hate you because I love you. I see your purpose and your path even though you cannot. Come Xanthe. Come with me. I will show you the way if you let me.”

But what about all of those demands pulling at me – the need for a job, money, food, sleep, clean clothes, clean house, exercise, spending time with people and building relationships? Mother, I can’t balance it all!

“Xanthe that’s what I’m trying to tell you! I don’t exist just to help you with your writing. I will carry you through every minute of every day if you let me.”

But how? How do I know it’s you?

“You have to be still. Be quiet. Listen.”

But I don’t have time!

“Xanthe, trust me. Will you trust me?”

Pause.

Okay. What do I do now?

“Shhhhh.”

This is uncomfortable. It hurts.

“Shhhhh. It’s okay. Feel the pain. Watch it. It will pass.”

Pause.

“What do you see?”

Grass, trees, flowers. There’s a big waterfall and a pond right in the centre. It’s a garden. It’s very bright, but I don’t have to squint to see.

“Good. Now what do you feel?”

It’s warm. Just perfectly comfortable – not too warm.

Pause.

But it’s not just the beautiful sun on my skin.

“Yes?”

Yes. It’s coming from inside – from deep in my core, right under my belly button.

“Yes. Tell me more.”

This is going to sound strange, but it’s like I feel the umbilical cord. It’s like the cord that joined me to my mother is still there.

“That’s right, Xanthe. It is. The physical one was cut away, but it was not destroyed. It still exists in the spirit. And it doesn’t only join you to your mother. It joins you to the spirit, the source that connects all that is living and breathing. It connects you to your soul.”

Whoa. That’s wild.

“Is it?”

Well, no actually. That’s probably the wrong adjective.

“So what would be the right one?”

Peaceful.

“Yes. Tell me more.”

It’s like I’m suspended, floating in nothingness, outside of time and space.

“Yes and where are you?”

I am still in the garden, next to the pond, bathed in the bright light.

“That’s right. You see, this is your sanctuary. It has always existed for you, though you did not know it.”

But I can’t stay here all the time, Mother. That’s the problem. I have to live in the world.

“Yes, Xanthe, I know that, but you may come back as often as you wish. This place is always here for you.”

But I want to stay!

“I know, honey. I know you do. And there’s something very important that I want you to understand.”

What’s that?

“This sanctuary and the energy you feel here in this ‘imaginary’ place are not imaginary. They can and must be pulled forth into the world.”

Why?

“You know the intense fear that holds you back from obeying the pull to write that you’ve just finished telling me about?”

Yes.

“It’s not just with you, Xanthe. It’s everywhere, with everyone and there will not be peace until people know it exists and how to access it.”

So how can this be accomplished?

“There are many ways. Your writing is one. It has the potential to not only heal you, but to help many.”

Sorry, but I just can’t see it.

“That’s okay, Xanthe, you don’t have to. All you have to do is trust.”

That’s so hard. More often than not, my fear is so much bigger than my trust – well, forget trust – try bigger than me.

“No, Xanthe, it is not bigger than you – ever. And it is certainly not bigger than us.”

Who do you mean by ‘us’?

“All of the people that watch over you and guide you.”

Who though?

“Well, your mother and father, your Aunt Mary and Carl, your Auntie Audrey and cousin Carol, Oli, your Uncle Roger and cousins Lynette and Lena, Aunt Bette as you knew her, your grandparents, and many many others who you never met in the flesh.”

You mean like Jane?

“Yes, like Jane.”

Ouch.

“What?”

I feel so ashamed.

“Why?”

Because when I went to Salmonberry Meadow, I felt her energy, as if she had called me there to give me a message and to teach me, but then I came home and got lost in all the chaos. I am such a miserable failure. Oh, Jane, I am so sorry for being so weak.

“Xanthe, it’s okay. I’m still here for you. I am not leaving you and you have nothing to be sorry for. Just keep going.”

Jane, is that you?

“Yes dear.”

Aren’t you disappointed in me?

“No dear. I love you and I believe in you. You have not lost the power of the energy that you felt when you were at Salmonberry Meadow – my sanctuary. I have no regrets for calling you there. I understand that life is hard in a human body, and that you have many obstacles, and much fear that has built up over many years. It takes time to heal, and it’s not always a straight path. I am still with you, and I will be here whenever you are ready for me.”

I am ready now Jane.

“Okay, just relax and be gentle with yourself. Put down your self-judgement and you will be able to hear me better.”

Okay.

Pause.

Mother? Jane?

“Yes?”

What about all of these humans that have helped me? I mean, I feel so bad because I’m so overwhelmed by everything that there’s so many things I haven’t said – like thank you – to so many people who have helped me along the way. They must think really poorly of me – after all they are only human. What I mean is, can I ask a favour?

“Yes.”

Can you tell them that I have not forgotten them? Can you let them know that it’s just because I’m overwhelmed, and words seem far too small to ever let them know how much they have touched my life? Tell them I’m sorry, but I’m just still searching. I know it really seems pathetic, but it’s all I have. I don’t feel like it’s enough. Can you tell them Mother? Jane?

“Xanthe, you just did.”

What do you mean?

“Send this out Xanthe.”

Oh, no. Now I’m scared. There’s a big lump in my throat.

“It’s okay. Do you trust us?”

Yes, but....

“No ‘buts’. Send it out.”

Breathe.

“That’s right, breathe. Good girl.”

Ohhhh help!

“Xanthe, remember your garden?”

Yes.

“This would be a perfect time to go there.”

Okay.

Mother?

“Yes?”

Who are you?

“I am your Mother. I am every Mother. I am you. I am Tara who called you to me last spring, remember? You called for healing, and I am the Goddess of healing and compassion, remember? You called me, so I reached out to you, though you did not know you had called, or that I answered.”

Yes.

“But now you know, don’t you?”

Yes.

“And you didn’t have to know in order to be carried by your spirit, my spirit, the spirit of all life, did you?”

No. You used my writing, and my connection with Jennifer, but I didn’t know it until I asked you to tell me whether or not I should go out to Whidbey Island.

“That’s right.”

And then I met Jane and all of her beloved friends.

“That’s right.”

And they loved me and carried me.

“That’s right. And they still are.”

Okay.

“You see how you don’t have to figure it all out, Xanthe?”

Yes, Mother. I learned that at Hoffman, but now I really understand how it works.

“Good. So when you feel scared because you don’t know what’s going to happen, just breathe and go into your garden.”

Okay.

“Keep turning the earth, even if it feels repetitive, meaningless. Trust that things are happening that you can’t see. Work the soil, so that it will be beautiful. Make it powerful. Make it powerful, so that it will grow right out of your heart, through your fingers, onto the page, and outward, outward, to bring healing to all the world.”

Oh, you mean, like the prayer to give this food, these things for the benefit of all beings?

“Exactly!”

Okay.

“Xanthe, it’s time to stop for now.”

Okay, but do I have time for one more thing?

“What?”

I’ve got this poem happening.

“Okay, but quickly now, and get this out today. No more waiting in fear.”

Okay Mother.

Mother?

“Yes.”

Thank you.

“I love you Xanthe.”

I love you too.

Sanctuary

I have a peaceful place,
where I can go to seek shelter from the storm;
A place where no fear dwells,
A place where the world’s cares are forgotten
But for a short while.

It’s a beautiful garden,
With beautiful tall green trees towering above,
And beautiful delicate flowers carpeting
The ground below.
Bright red, pink, orange, yellow, purple, blue.

The sky above is bright,
The little birds in the trees sing a sweet song.
I go to the waterfall, cascading down
Into the beautiful pond
That refreshes my tired bones.

The sun shines its healing,
The earth provides a soft rich bed.
Dark green is the grass, and deep brown
Is the soil
That I comb through my fingers.

Round and round
and round again they go.
Each time deeper, down and down
Turning the words
Buried in my soul.

“Mother, I am tired.
I don’t have enough –
Enough strength, enough courage
Enough patience
To make this garden grow.”

“Keep going. It’s working,
Though you cannot see.
You are not alone.
You are carried by many,
Who have more strength than you know.”

“Give us your pain.
Give us your fear.
We will transform it
Turn it into good soil,
Healing for all.”

“Mother, show me.
Show me this healing,
So I can believe.
Give me the vision
That shows me I am enough.”

“Yes child. I am here.
We are all here.
We have been here always,
And always will be.
And you have been too.

“Come and rest,
And let us carry you.
Let us guide your hands, your feet.
Let us guide your eyes
To see what you cannot see.

“We are here
to love you and guide you
now and always.
Back to the place
Your soul belongs.

“Be here now.
Rest in the light.
Let it hold you suspended
Outside of time and space.
Here in your sanctuary.

“Let your fingers go
Round and round,
Turning the soil
Down and down
To the depths of your soul.

“Let it take you
Down to the place of mystery
Down to the stories
Down to the memories
To the words that will heal you.

“Fear not the pain
You find there.
It is not your truth,
But the thing that heals
And will set you free.

“I love you.
I am with you always.
I will give you strength,
And courage, and angels
To carry you through.

“Come with me.
Come into the garden
Of life, of healing,
Of the spirit of all beings.
Come home to yourself.

“Thank you Mother.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for all of the angels,
Thank you for all of the gifts
You have given on the way.

“Thank you for strength.
Thank you for courage.
Thank you for patience.
Thank you for healing
That guides me home.

“Please tell my angels
That I love them.
Please let them know
That I am still with them,
That they are not forgotten.

“Please find the words,
for mine fall short,
of the depth of love in my heart
For all of the gifts they have given,
To give me life and carry me home.

Home to the garden.
Home to the sanctuary.
Home to the place of healing
Where beautiful things grow
Where no fear can dwell.

Home where I find myself,
Home of my mothers, my sisters,
Home of my fathers, my brothers
Home of the great spirit
That holds us all.

A place where love dwells forever.
A place for us to rest
A place to gather our strength.
A place out of this world
A place that will become the world.

I am coming home
We are coming home.
Mother, lead us home,
Back to the garden,
The sanctuary of the soul.

Xanthe - 27 April 2006

Procrastination

2006-05-04T15:24:00.000-04:00

When I acknowledge my fear, then I heal it.

I know this, and I still let fear choke me.

Jennifer says that writing is a practice, and that one must sit down and do it, for an alloted amount of time each day. One must do it without judgement - close the door, and write, write, write. Things can always be edited later.

That's what my english teacher in junior high school used to say if she would come past a desk and see one of her students staring ahead at a blank page.

She would say, "Come on! You can't work with something that doesn't exist! If you have something, you have it, and it can always be edited."

So I'm trying to be diligent about my writing practice (this blog being part of it), but this little girl in the corner of my mind keeps saying, "What if I write this and it hurts someone? What if they hate me? What if I get in trouble?"

This is how I have lived my life - not just with regard to my writing, but everything.

When I stand back and look at this, it seems to horrible it makes me want to cry. What a way to go through life.

And I have to tell this little girl that nobody can see what she's writing in this actual second - this is not necessarily what will be put out into the world.

"Yes, but you know how powerful thoughts are," comes my intellect looking smug.

But spirit says, "You know it's more than that. It's about intention. Do you intend to do harm?"

"No Mother," say the child and intellect together.

"Well then write, and trust that you and others will be held in safety. I have not left you alone in this life, nor will I ever do so" says Mother.

Body says, "Okay, enough licorice babies. I'm getting fat! I feel yucky! I need fresh air and exercise - now!"

The child says, "Yeah, let's go out in the sun and play!"

The intellect says, "Yeah, I need some air. It's stuffy in this brain. I can't think straight anymore."

And spirit says, "Go and refresh yourself. Then you will feel better and write better."

And the sceptic in me that says, "This is all a load of bologna in your head" needs to be hit over the head.

I have this little bowl of wisdom, full of little slips of paper, like the ones in fortune cookies. My sister's friend Angela gave them to me when we spent Christmas together a few years ago. So I say, "Okay, what's the message?" and reach my hand into the centre of the bowl.

And out comes, "Be mindful of your health."

Okay, that's it! No more stewing.

Good bye computer - time for your nap.

Good bye licorice babies.

Come on little girl. Don't worry, I'll hold your hand.

Come on intellect, let's take a break.

Come on tired body, let's stir some blood.

Come on spirit. Let's bathe in the beautiful sun.

Welcome to My Sanctuary....

2006-05-02T17:51:00.000-04:00

For years I have loved to tell stories. I've always had a need to make sense out of all of the ups and downs of life in this human body. I figured that if I could make some meaning out of everything, then the downs might not feel so bad, and I would know how to take the ups and keep them going for awhile.

So I have many friends and loved ones to whom I love to tell these stories. And one day about four or five years ago, one of them told me I should start a blog.

"What's a blog?" I asked.

He explained that it was a place to post my stories on the web, so that everyone could read them.

The very thought of it made me freeze.

"That's crazy! I can't do that!" I exclaimed and then laughed nervously.

Well, it's been a few years since then, and so much has happened.

This need to tell stories has gone well beyond trying to explain life to myself. A couple of years ago it became a serious occupation for the purpose of healing a broken spirit. I got to the point that I was so tired from all of life's tragedies, that I just had to stop everything for awhile.

I started writing.

I kept hitting 'blocks'.

I would go into a tailspin - "I can't get one step further! Oh god, this is useless! What now?!"

And just when I was ready to give up, something would happen. A person would come my way to point me in the right direction and lead me past the wall.

I have been led on a journey I could never have imagined. I have met so many amazing people, and been amazing places, and done things that I never would have dreamed of before.

I haven't always been able to recognize it in the moment. The wounded part of me has had trouble letting go of its tendency to be suspicious and brace for life's next imagined blow.

But now the messages of hope and healing are coming through faster. I see that life does not have to be about suffering. I am brimming with gratitude at life's joys and gifts even in the midst of its tragedies.

I also am learning to let go and trust life's process. I don't have to control when and how everything gets done. I've spent so much time being frustrated that my plan to write my life down hasn't gone the way I had imagined, that it's taken me quite awhile to realize that it is happening. I am writing. I am healing.

It is my the deepest desire of my heart that not only will these things continue for me, but that I can create a space in where others can feel a sense of healing and refuge.

May the words written here always be life-giving. May they never cause harm.

May this also be a tribute to all of those who have helped me and inspired me along the way.

Thank you everyone.

Thank you Mother.